August 22, 2016 I began my journey across the country. Eyes full of fear, anxiety, regret, confusion and tears I waved goodbye to some of my favorite people in the world. And as I boarded my plane and began to fasten my seat belt the thoughts of failure and the feelings of anxiety took a seat right in the pit of my stomach. I have never been so overwhelmed with emotions ever before in my life. I was so fucking scared. I hated myself for buying that ticket. I kept asking myself "why did you buy a ticket?". I mean who does that?! Who moves to LA alone at 23?! A crazy person.
My emotional meltdown at the airport
...on the plane.... in my hostel...at my job...and just 3 weeks ago was so unexpected and unplanned. I don't know why but I never considered how hard it would be to leave my entire life as I knew it in New York. Everything I ever learned as an adult, everything I ever did on my own, every person I ever loved is back in New York. All of those things, people, and experienced helped shaped my identity and I was leaving it all behind. For what?
Well, for those of you who know me on a personal level you know that I honestly, truly believe that I was called here. I was destined to move to LA. And while I still feel that in my heart, it doesn't stop me from going through all the things you go though when you move to a new city. So there I was in the middle of LAX waiting for my luggage still trying to make sense of all of it. I didn't have a place to live, I kind of sorta had a job, and I didn't know anyone! As much as I wanted to book the next flight back to Buffalo I knew that I had to at least try... just try.
So I did. I ended up starting working full time with benefits only two days after I arrived, I found permanent housing within the first week, and I did not have to spend any nights sleeping on the beach or on Hollywood Boulevard. Now I'm not religious but I do believe that I am a very important part of the bigger picture, we all are. The Universe is our muse and the only thing we are responsible for is allowing it to inspire and guide us.
I am so humbled and grateful for having grace because I had all the odd stacked up against me to fail. But I didn't. I was called crazy but you gotta be crazy to change your world. You have to be willing to surrender everything you have in order to receive what the universe (God) has in store for you. Sometimes you have to walk blind in faith because honestly it's going to be hard. You will have bad days. You're going to feel like giving up and going back to your old life but that's only because the familiar is comforting. But sometimes being uncomfortable is exactly what you need to grow.
until next time,
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