Friday, February 20, 2015

What We Talk About When We Talk About Love

Ask any young girl what love is and I'm pretty sure her answer will sound a bit like this " Love is when you get butterflies and you can't go a day without that person. Love is when he makes you feel like a princess and treats you like a queen". Sound Familiar?

 If you would of asked me what is love even 2 years ago my answer would of sounded like that. Ask me now and I still can't really give you an answer. What is love really? like what does it really look like? Does it look like the boy that gave me my first heartbreak? Does it look like the Instagram memes of Beyonce and Jayz? What does love even feel like? Is it the way you get a little nervous at the thought of seeing him today? Is it the way you feel when you're sitting by the phone waiting for his goodnight text message? Is it the way you feel when you find
out that "i'm not looking for a relationship" really means "I can't see myself with you" because of the picture he posted with his new girlfriend just days after you spoke to him. Even after he's told you "I love you". Because 4 months ago that's what love was for me.

It was the idea of love that kept me hanging on to the lies he disguised as sweet words. It was the idea of  love that  encouraged me to ignored all the signs of an emotionally unavailable man. I did it for love. Because I loved him, right?  He loved me (allegedly). And because we loved each other, nothing else mattered. Not the 4 days of not responding to my text or call. not the 3 months of no physical contact. Not the absence of  a "happy birthday". Not the ongoing feeling of uncertainty and emotional insecurity.

Reading this you might think "Damn girl, why didn't you get a clue?" And If I was just a day younger than today, I would of made up an excuse for his behavior and mine.

But the truth is, that was love. That was my reality of love. I had nothing else to compare it to. All my life I've witnessed love like this. I knew what love like this looked like from the outside, but when you're in it, you see a whole new picture. I saw my mom live through an abusive marriage, I saw her live through an emotionally insecure and abusive relationship. I saw my sister go through emotionally unbalanced relationship. I witnessed my friends give up their common sense and values. All because they were in love. And I was right there on the sideline shaking my head. Vowing to never accept love like that.

So how did I end up here? I read a short story in my English class titled "What We Talk About When We Talk About Love" and my professor used this short story to teach us a lesson. He told us that if you never consciously think about the way your parents and the people around you behave in relationships, then you unconsciously become those people and you adopt their behaviors. I never took the time to really think about what was happening in those relationships I've witness, and in return I became those girls. And no shade, but I don't want to be those girls. I don't want that love. It's  not enough for me. Love itself is not enough.

So now what? Do you vow to never love someone ever again? Do you push away every guy that shows interest in you? Do you compensate by becoming an overachiever in your career? Do you make sure you're makeup is perfect, and your hair is laid, and your jeans are fitted, and your posture is great, and do you rehearse your lines for life so you never seem unprepared or broken? So when you turn down every guy who speaks to you, you can feel like you've won? I thought that was the way. But it's not. you just end up bitter and lonely.

 "you live and learn, that's the way life goes"- Beyonce.

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