Okay. So this is my second attempt at this post. Blogger really tried it but I'm going to try and move forward. But as I was saying... Lately I haven't been feeling like myself. My creative self that is. (Yes there's many parts of me I might even be crazy).
I've been struggling with finding inspiration and the motivation to create wonderful things. Why? Well on top of life and all of the burdens that come with living (work, school, bills, relationships.... Or the lack of) I have been dealing with depression and anxiety. Yep. Me. No I'm not sitting in the corner ready to end it all, but sometimes I'm sitting in my bed and I feel worried and sad and detached. And that takes a toll on you.
My assumption would be that many people are unaware of what depression and/or anxiety actually is. Well the textbook definition of depression is the feeling of severe despondency or dejection. Or feeling blue, sad, miserable, unhappy etc. Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
In my experience I've been asked "well what do you have to be sad about?" And this is usually said in a way that implies:
1. I have it all (I don't)
2. I'm doing great ( eh.... Debatable)
3. My life is great (if you only knew)
To answer that questions would take more than a few words because it's not just one thing. Maybe it's nothing real or tangible, but its powerful enough to overcome me. As of lately I've really been worrying about the future and what my life should be like in the future. There's a lot of pressure (from myself) to be perfect and do a perfect Job the first time around. I don't have much guidance in my life because honestly I don't have any real lifestyle role models. My mom is great and I love her to death. But when she was my age she was living a totally different life. She was a single mother to 2 kids with the scars of her own past. So at this point in my life and where I want to take my life, there's not much she can do but support me and love me (which I appreciate). I don't have a relationship with my dad. My best friend and I are at the same stage in life, and on top of that we have 2 completely different expectations for our lives.
So here I am. Feeling Alone. Trying to take on this big world. And trying to do everything right. I'm just trying to win. And its hard. God it is HARD. Honestly, like, you would never be able to guess some of the things I've been through and are going through, but this journey is hard. And you might not know it because I do a damn good Job of hiding it, but I feel it. Everyday. All day. Its not easy for me to talk about this, not because I'm ashamed because I'm not, but because I never want people to look at me as a victim. I don't want pity. Doesn't appeal to me.
What I have learned lately is that I am not alone. There are many people out there who feel what I feel. And no one knows. And they feel like they're alone. But I'm here to say you're not. I'm here. I understand. And no I don't have the answers. But I just want you to know that you're not crazy. What you feel is real. And you can beat it. I think that if we tried to focus more on what we do have instead of what we don't, how far we have come instead of how far we have to go, on all the people who love us instead of the one or two or three assholes who don't, we could learn to be happy. And give ourselves a break. I am my worst enemy. Its sad. "I feel like I'm the worst so I always act like I'm the best"- Marina and the Diamonds. This post was suppose to be about something a little different but it kind of just became its own thing.